Sunday, August 29, 2010

You're Beautiful, every little piece love.

These past months, no the past year has been so difficult for me. People are always saying how I am something or am not something.They tell me I don't look good in something or that it's "not the most flattering thing on me." I can be in a room with a group of people and be completely ignored while all the attention is on one person. I've even been on the phone with someone and while I'm mid sentence they will tell me they have to go. Friends go a while not talking to me, then talk to me, then not talk to me. They are friends with me then they aren't. Lie to me. Ignore me. Act like my opinion really doesn't matter or that something shouldn't affect me when it does. Hurt me and then act like I'm wrong for feeling hurt. Leave me when I need them most. I realize most the things I just talked about are involving other people and how I respond to what they have done around me or to me. I have noticed it's a lot bigger of a problem then it ever has been in the past. It feels like it is always coming up in every situation I'm in. I feel so dis connected from myself and my family and friends. Its a horrible feeling. I feel like there isn't a lot of positive things from those I am around and it rubs off on me. I in turn am negative about myself. It really makes me not want to ever be the reason someone feels bad about themselves. I know that it happens and it happens a lot of the time unintentionally, but that doesn't change the fact that it happens. I have felt so sad recently and it's usually just little things here and there. When I go around people who I guess re-in force how I'm feeling it really makes the situation a whole lot worse. I really am not blaming anyone but myself but when it really comes down to it I have never felt so in adequate as I have in the last year or so. I feel like I can never do anything right or make any decisions for that matter. I am constantly criticizing myself  and feeling like I haven't accomplished much of anything. I really hate that and I know its not good for me. I wish I wasn't so hard on myself and I kind of wish others weren't so critical of me either. I can go days without a positive thought about myself and there are some days I feel like I am not even me anymore. I need to get out of this "funk" that I'm in and start really feeling happy for all I have done. I want to be happy. It sounds so stupid but I love this song that Taylor Swift sings called " Stay beautiful." I think the song is about a guy she liked in high school. A guy she thought was hot, but there are some parts in the song that I really love. I love the chorus.

I really think that the world would be such a better place if everyone found things about themselves that they loved things that they thought made themselves beautiful. Think of how much positive energy would be going around if we were all more positive with who we are. I'm going to try a lot harder at accepting myself. I know it is going to be really hard to do that. I obviously haven't figured out how to do it yet. I want to feel accomplishment and success and I want to get to the point where I'm happy to just be me, to be happy with who I am...

1 comment:

  1. You are beautiful! Remember how we established way back when only pretty people hang out with pretty people. Which that now makes me sound conceited. I'm sorry I don't talk to you as often, I always think, oh Heather probably is busy or doesn't care about what I'm doing. Anyways, you should come out here and meet Tom. Maybe he's your soul mate?! :)