Tuesday, September 13, 2011

Warning venting and complaining ahead

Don't say I didn't warn you about the venting.

My mom hasn't been able to get her blood platelets up (she is still around 19 and a normal platelet count is 50 +). I don't know a lot about it, (maybe because I hate hearing how sick she is and usually avoid the subject) but what I do know is that it makes my mom very sick. Even a simple thing like bleeding from a cut or scratch could take her from us. This makes me mad. I'm mad that my mom hasn't felt good for a very long time. I hurt knowing that she is in this much pain. I get frustrated that she can't even do daily things. If I know she has been out driving I worry that she will be ok. If she is outside I worry, if she is at work, I worry. I feel like we all have to be on guard to make sure she is out of harms way. That's no way to have to live. Nothing seems to be going right with her health and it doesn't seem to be getting any better. Life is uncertain for everyone, believe me I get that, but knowing that my mom is sick has made me feel so vulnerable, so scared and its made me worry about what's up ahead. Is it just going to get worse?

My mom has always been my strength and I hate knowing that I cant do anything to make her stronger. I have no control over how this goes and I can't make it better. I pray all the time. I pray for angels to protect her and keep her here with us, but being sick is always in the way and the worry comes. Seeing people that you love suffer while you are hurting too all the while knowing you have no say in how it all plays out is probably one of the hardest things this life gives us. My biggest wish is for her to be rid of those extra problems that have come with her lupus. I never thought I'd wish my mom would have her lupus, but that's what I want. I want her to be done with all this blood platelet worry and just have lupus.Then she could live her life with less in her way. I want a miracle. I want my strong mom back, the one that felt good and didn't have all this pain and sickness consume so much of her life. I need her to be strong so I can be strong. I want to know that it's all going to be ok and right now I don't know that. I love my mom and I want it to be better. For her to be whole again.

mom: "You must always remember. you are braver than you believe, stronger than you seem."


  1. Heather I love you. I'm sorry that you're having such a hard time right now. Please call if you ever need to talk. I know I haven't really been around much lately, but that can change. I'll keep you & your mom in my prayers.

  2. oh i really hope she gets over this soon! it's a horrible feeling knowing your mom (the lady who has always taken care of you) is sick and needs to be taken care of but there is nothing you can do. what you can do though is pray for her to be ok and have faith that she will be. good luck! and let your mom know we are thinking of her (and you!)