Bleh

This week has been very interesting. I haven't enjoyed it in the slightest. I feel like there has been a lot of good that has happened this week but I haven't felt myself at all and enjoying all the good that has happened this week was almost forced. Have you ever had to force yourself to be you, to be happy, force yourself to feel anything? I am at that point where I need to just let it out, cry, go watch a comedy, laugh, do something for me, feel better. I've been sick maybe I can blame it all on that, maybe that's why I've felt so out of it.

I have been trying to eat better, sleep more, take vitamins but I'm just not feeling any better. I still feel way sick. I have tried to think of ways to mend some of the broken parts in my life, tried to have a better perspective but I feel like I'm getting no where. I have gone to the gym this week and I get so bored while I'm there that I usually only last half an hour. Then I am hard on myself for not making it longer. I haven't been able to visit my friend and her new baby and that makes me sad because I really do want to visit them and I don't get why she doesn't want visitors. I text a cousin I haven't talked to in forever and it was the wrong number. How sad is it that I don't even have my cousins current number in my phone. Keeping close to those people in my life all the while balancing my own life is so difficult which it really shouldn't be. I have a closet full of clothes and nothing to wear. I've tried to talk to my mom and we just get frustrated with each other and that of course makes me miss when I could talk to her for hours about anything.  I haven't felt like I'm needed at my work. I tried planning my 25th Birthday and all the plans fell through even though it's still a month away and I thought that would be plenty of time for people to plan for. I had 2 dates cancel on me in one week...2. Both of which were blind dates so I know it really has nothing to do with me but it's hard not to let that get to you. I colored my hair thinking it was going to look way different and it just doesn't. I tried on a dress a really pretty expensive dress that you would think would make you feel better but all I felt was fat and ugly. Who's great idea was it to make nice dresses the expensive, have to get measurements for dresses a couple of sizes bigger? I mean that's not the best time to make a girl feel fat. I went on a date with a really fun great guy and I just felt so consumed by how I have been feeling this week. It  made me the worst company to be around, which I feel really bad about. I feel out of it, really out of it. I feel like I haven't been present in my own life and I don't know how to get back to being me, being happy, keeping friends, seeing those friends, laughing not the fake kind, feeling like people want you in their life, feeling pretty, just enjoying life. Why is that so hard to do sometimes? I never felt like I had to work so hard at it before.