I had another horrible dream about my mom. I have at least one a week. I hate these dreams they usually end up being about her and how she is sick. I always lose her in the end of my dream. I wake up feeling like it was real and I usually have to see her to make it all better. Well, today she wasn't here after I had one of those dreams I had to text her just to make sure she was in fact ok. It scared me a lot. I hate that life is so fragile. When we had that terrible wind storm she was out in the yard helping clean up and she got a really bad cut on her leg. I was freaking out and she was so calm. I guess in a way its a good thing she is so calm but it bothers me. She acts like she is ok and that her illness isn't a big deal. It bothers me that she isn't being more careful. Then the other day she talked about her kidneys and how she hopes that her lupus doesn't start attacking them. I have that feeling like I'm loosing my mom I feel it daily and I have those nightmares about it at night. I feel like it's always on my mind, it's always there. I've been very close to my aunt and grandma. We grew up spending a lot of time together and I want my mom to be here when I have kids so my kids will know her. I want to be able to continue those traditions with her and my kids. She has always taken the role as my mom and my sister and I don't want to lose those. I really want to be rid of these nightmares they are very annoying.