Tuesday, April 17, 2012

cant sleep

I havent been able to sleep tonight. After cleaning and listening to music I started thinking about something. It is almost the 3 year mark of the last time me and my dad talked to each other. I have been thinking about my family especially my dad. I keep having this piercing feeling that nags at me. The feeling is that I need to work on the relationship I have with my dad. I have had reminders of how fragile life is and how quickly our loved ones can be taken from us. Do I really want to waste any more time I have with my dad? Do I want the last time I talked to him to be the last time we talked? For that to be the last memory either of us have of each other? Problem is I dont know how to go about talking to him again. Its not that easy. We have quite the past and I have my reasons for not talking to him. I dont see the problems that led to us not talking being any better and I dont think they have been fixed. I dont know that they ever will be. I want my family in my life I want my dad to know me and I want to be around him more. I got in a fight with my brother yesterday and he told me that when I get married if I get married in the Temple he wont be a part of any of my wedding that day. He told me he doesnt want anything to do with that day if I chose to get married that way.I couldnt believe hed say that to me. It hit me deep. I realized that not him or my other brother or dad will be at the Temple with me on that day. That is their choice. I just wish it didnt affect me in the way it does.I want more then anything to have my dad there when I get married but with how things are I just dont see that happening. It makes me sad the people I want with me wont be. In a way they arent with me now either. Our difference in belief has put such a space between us as a family.  I hate it. I want my dad in my life. Despite all weve been through he is my dad and I just want him around. I want him to want to be around. I miss him.


  1. don't waste time heather! life is too dang short. it's not worth all the grudges and pride. i don't know what all the problems you have had with your dad, but it's just not worth it. if you feel you need to talk to him, then do it! there's a reason you're feeling that way. and i hear ya on the temple thing - jae's dad and brother couldn't be there either. but it is what it is and we enjoy every minute anyway. xo.

  2. I'm sorry Heather. That would be hard. I agree with Mara, if you keep feeling like you need to talk to him, you probably should. We'll all be there for you when you get married in the temple!

  3. I'm sorry heather :( I hadn't seen or talked to my dad in 6 months when he died. The pain and guilt I felt because of that was almost unbearable. Even after all that he had put me through. You are right, he is still your dad. Try to mend it and if you can't, you can at least know that you tried. I didn't have a single family member who attended the temple when Troy and I were sealed. It hurt but I had sooo many of my closest friends there to support me. There is the family that you are born in to and it sucks because sometimes that doesn't always turn out the way that you hope or want it to go. But there is also family you choose and they help fill in the gaps your biological family leaves :) Love you!