I worry about writing this because I am sure you will all think I am some depressed girl who needs to keep things to myself. There is something so therapeutic about writing things down and clearing space in my thoughts. I find life to be so back and forth. There are so many ups and downs. I feel like my life is either really good and a lot seems to just be going right or its just down. I was so happy. A few things I had been wanting for a while started to finally happen for me. This past month I had a lot of really great opportunities going for me and I remember having such and appreciative attitude. Every day I had a grateful feeling about all that was happening to me. I was truly happy. Now I dont feel that way and I am just sad. I get that feeling that creeps in that I am not worth happiness and that I wont get those things that I want most. I feel like Im not deserving of those things not because of who I am but because of it just being the way things are. Its times like that when I want nothing more then to shut off the thoughts and drown them out. Replace them with thoughts that are good and happy and worthwhile. I hate that life is so up one moment and then it is down. I remember a talk I heard a while back that the speaker mentioned this. His wife told him that the ups and downs are a good thing. She compared it to a heart monitor that the peaks and ups and downs was a symbol that you are alive. I was talking to a friend about this and she mentioned to me that things could always be worse and its true. Things can be worse and they can be better at any given time. There is this one thing that I've been trying to get. I'm not any where close to it and it frustrates me because I am trying but this one thing is always a maybe tomorrow for me. I get close to it but still haven't gotten it. I'm tired of that. I want to feel like my maybe tomorrow isn't always going to be that. I want to feel like its something I will eventually have but in these downs of life I feel like its something I'm never going to have. I'm tired of the downs. I hate the downs. I will cry for no reason other then being a side effect of the downs. So for now I am in the downs ( hating it but trying to find a way to love it and bear it) waiting till the good comes. I know the good will come... its just a matter of getting there. This saying keeps coming up in my head usually when I just want to give up. Someone once mentioned it and it has always stuck with me, " I can do hard things." I know I can get over this I have before and I will the next time I'm stuck in the downs and like she said, " I can do hard things"... and I will because that's life and the downs mean I am alive.