Tuesday, March 11, 2014

Battlefield

 I havent talked about it and really got my feelings out there about my relationship with Brady. I still dont know exactly how to put any kind of words to my emotions. When I think about him and our past relationship I have many strong emotions. The thing it is that it is in the past. Deep down I knew I was supposed to be where I am at now, not engaged to Brady. But that was the hardest thing. I know I would have been taken care of with Brady and we would have had a marriage centered on the Gospel. Oh and then there was the whole I loved him thing. ha ha. What scared me is that I couldnt look at Brady and say with confidence that I knew him. I mean truly knew him. It wasnt for lack of trying. I asked him all the time and tried to really get to know who he is and why he is the person he is. I got no where with it. I should know the person I marry more than I know him. To have that strong connection with that person, the kind that I can rely on. I want to be with someone who wants to know all there is to know about me too. I never came first to him. Other things mattered more than me. The worst was when he told me I wasnt spiritual enough for him. Talk about a low blow. I loved Brady. I know that and I would never deny it. I know with no doubt that I was not supposed to marry him. How do you walk away from someone you love though? Someone you have been with for over a year, your most serious relationship? I can tell you it hasnt been easy. Neither of us had taken the very difficult step to end things between us. He told me he wanted to pray about us and that he would talk to me about it in a week or so. I was praying too. I got my answer and it was no. I just didnt know how to tell the person I loved that I couldn't marry him. I had given Brady my ring back and one night back in August. We still stayed in a relationship after that we just werent planning our wedding. The week I got my answer in February, I was still waiting to hear from him. I had the strongest prompting to look online to see if my ring was for sale on ksl. I looked and sure enough he had posted it for sale 2 days before. I knew then that we both had our answer. I realized in that moment that he isnt what I want for a father for my children. I didnt like how he handled things and how he didnt care how his actions affected me the person he loves. He was a coward and for the past while he hadnt treated me well at all. It scared me that he became someone I never thought he would. He wasnt the Brady I loved. This past month has not been easy. I have never felt such a void when someone was not in my life. I felt like a piece of me was walking around some where else. On paper everything was lined up, and he seemed to be everything I wanted. I know that he is not what I want for my forever.  
He will always be my hardest good bye.

"Battlefield"

It's easy to fall in love
But it's so hard to break somebody's heart
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield
Once lust has turned to dust and all that's left's held breath
Forgotten who we first met
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

We both know it's coming
Does illusion count for something we hide?
The surface tension's gotta break, one drop is all it takes to flood out this lie

You and I
We have to let each other go
We keep holding on but we both know
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield
Peace will come when one of us puts down the gun
Be strong for both of us
No please, don't run, don't run
Eye to eye, we face our fears unarmed on the battlefield

We seemed like a good idea
We seemed like a good idea

No blood will spill if we both get out now
Still it's hard to put the fire out
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield
Feelings are shifting like the tide
And I think too much about the future
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

We both know it's coming
Does illusion count for something we hide?
The surface tension's gotta break, one drop is all it takes to flood out this lie

You and I
We have to let each other go
We keep holding on but we both know
What seemed like a good idea has turned into a battlefield

Peace will come when one of us puts down the gun
Be strong for both of us
No please, don't run, don't run
Eye to eye, we face our fears unarmed on the battlefield

We seemed like a good idea

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